A Heaven of his own making...
How Russ Kisby restructured the Hereafter
By Joe Taylor

As was customary, St. Peter met Russ Kisby at the Pearly Gates to check out the record of his life and clear him for admission to Heaven. After a few minutes, however, he looked up with a worried expression on his face.

"I see you were President of ParticipACTION for several years," he said. "I'm not sure if you're going to be happy here. There isn't much for you to do. Everyone is fit, there's no illness, all physical problems have been healed...this is Heaven, after all!" But, as always, Russ was ahead of the game. He had anticipated this situation, and his quick mind had spotted an opportunity. "Don't let it bother you," he told St. Peter. "I have a plan; I know exactly what to do."

With that, he turned around and started back down the long road, past long lines of startled applicants and leaving St. Peter with a surprised look on his face, his first such emotion in several millennia.

"By the way," Russ shouted back before he was out of earshot, "would you tell your Boss I'm putting together a special project and I want him to chair our Board of Directors."

Being Russ he broke into a jog and in no time at all reached the river Styx, where he disdained the usual boat ride in favor of a swim. Satan met him on the far bank.

After checking his records, however, he looked at Russ and asked, "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be Upstairs. No one chooses this place voluntarily. All we have here is pain and torment and never-ending Guy Lombardo music." Russ was undaunted. "I have a proposition for you," he said, launching into an explanation of his plan. The devil was dubious.

"I don't think that would work here," he said. "I know that everyone is overweight, unfit, suffering from daily heart attacks, osteoporosis, diabetes and the heartbreak of psoriasis, but there's not much you can do about it...this is Hell, after all!" As was his custom, Russ was ahead of the game. He outlined his plan for a media campaign to rid Hell of these torments. He suggested that the Devil could be his Advocate.

"Won't work," answered Satan. "No media. We have lots of publishers, but they don't have the money to get anything started , and paper doesn't last long down here."

"No problem," said Russ. "Back on earth we used to say that idle gossip was the 'devil's radio'. Surely there's a lot of that around here. I propose that my new organization use gossip to spread the word about the benefits of active living. We'll have this place moving in no time."

Satan was horrified...Hell without physical pain?

"Not likely!" he said, adding slyly: "But go ahead — you might as well suffer along with the rest of us."

Russ laughed his Russ Kisby laugh. He knew he could come and go as he pleased (he was not, after all, penciled in for residence Down Below, and was looking forward to hiking the rocky trail between Heaven and Hades.) In short, he could have the best of both worlds.

And that's how GossipACTION was born. Hell will never be the same again.