Questions for Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

   Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord—Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness—Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination—Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?—Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

   Your devoted fan,
       Jim

at last... a diagnosis

recently, i was diagnosed with aaadd—age activated attention deficit disorder. this is how it manifests:

i decide to water my garden. as i turn on the hose in the driveway, i look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

as i start toward the garage, i notice that there is mail on the porch table that i brought up from the mail box earlier.

i decide to go through the mail before i wash the car. i lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

so, i decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

but then i think, since i'm going to be near the mailbox when i take out the garbage anyway, i may as well pay the bills first.

i take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. my extra checks are in my desk in the study, so i go inside the house to my desk where i find the can of coke that i had been drinking.

i'm going to look for my checks, but first i need to push the coke aside so that i don't accidentally knock it over. i see that the coke is getting warm, and i decide i should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

as i head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

i set the coke down on the counter, and i discover my reading glasses that i've been searching for all morning.

i decide i better put them back on my desk, but first i'm going to water the flowers.

i set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly i spot the tv remote. someone left it on the kitchen table.

i realize that tonight when we go to watch tv, i will be looking for the remote, but i won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so i decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first i'll water the flowers.

i pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

so, i set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

then, i head down the hall trying to remember what i was planning to do.

at the end of the day:

1. the car isn't washed
2. the bills aren't paid
3. there is a warm can of coke sitting on the counter
4. the flowers don't have enough water
5. there is still only 1 check in my check book
6. i can't find the remote
7. i can't find my glasses
8. and i don't remember what i did with the car keys

then, when i try to figure out why nothing got done today, i'm really baffled because i know i was busy all day long, and i'm really tired.

i realize this is a serious problem, and i'll try to get some help for it, but first i'll check my e-mail.

George Carlin...

...is about to celebrate his 70th birthday—but his sense of humor is as sharp as ever—as evidenced by the following, closely followed by some other entertaining "bits." enjoy...

• new rule: no more gift registries. you know, it used to be just for weddings. now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail. picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
• new rule: stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! there's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. because you don't particularly like them! besides, i already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
• new rule: stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. i have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
• new rule: ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? okay, we're done.
• new rule: there's no such thing as flavored water. there's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket—water, but without that watery taste. sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. you want flavored water? pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. that's your flavored water.

send a link

to this page

retreat	pageTop pageOne	treat