During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Dear Mrs. Toombs, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Elbert Toombs has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Toombs have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Zimbrowski, Complaint Department
MEMO
Re: Mr. Elbert Toombs—Complaints—15 Things Mr. Toombs has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:
june 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.
july 2: set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
july 7: made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the
rest rooms.
july 19: walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
august 4: went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of m&m's on
lay away.
september 14: moved a 'caution—wet floor' sign to a carpeted area.
september 15: set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
september 23: when a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry and asks "why can't you people just leave me alone?"
october 4: looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.
november 10: while handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
december 3: darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"mission impossible" theme.
december 6: in the auto department, practiced his "madonna look"
using different size funnels.
december 18: hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "pick me!" "pick me!"
december 21: when an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "no! no! it's those voices
again!!!!"
(and; last, but not least!)
december 23: went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "there is no toilet paper in here!"
Click on chimp one, and then on chimp two, to ape-reciate what they are losing their bananas over
IN PHARMACOLOGY ALL DRUGS HAVE TWO NAMES, A TRADE NAME AND A GENERIC NAME. FOR EXAMPLE, THE TRADE NAME OF:
TYLENOL HAS A GENERIC NAME OF ACETAMINOPHEN.
ALEVE IS ALSO CALLED NAPROXEN.
AMOXIL IS ALSO CALLED AMOXICILLIN AND
ADVIL IS ALSO CALLED IBUPROFEN.
THE FDA HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR A GENERIC NAME FOR VIAGRA.
AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION BY A TEAM OF GOVERNMENT EXPERTS, IT
RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAS SETTLED ON THE GENERIC NAME: MYCOXAFLOPPIN.
ALSO CONSIDERED WERE MYCOXAFAILIN MYDIXADRUPIN, MYDIXARIZIN, DIXAFIX, AND OF COURSE, IBEPOKIN.
IN OTHER DRUG NEWS, PFIZER CORP. ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT VIAGRA
WILL SOON BE AVAILABLE IN LIQUID FORM AND WILL BE MARKETED BY: PEPSI COLA AS A POWER BEVERAGE SUITABLE FOR USE AS A MIXER. IT WILL NOW BE POSSIBLE FOR A MAN TO LITERALLY POUR HIMSELF A STIFF ONE. OBVIOUSLY WE CAN NO LONGER CALL THIS A SOFT DRINK, AND IT GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE NAMES OF COCKTAILS, HIGHBALLS, AND JUST A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED STIFF DRINK. PEPSI WILL MARKET THE NEW CONCOCTION BY THE NAME OF: MOUNT & DO.
thought for the day there is more money being spent on breast implants and viagra today than on alzheimer's research. this means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. Firstly, I'd like to thank you for choosing to fly Mandarin airlines. As we taxi out to the runway please make yourself comfortable... and for those of you sitting on the right side of the plane... please look to your LEFT!
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