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'Globe and Mail' readers were asked to submit innovative variations of traditional school and college courses. Here are a few samples.
MYTH-O-MATICS: Promise versus performance of TV advertised fitness equipment, and weight-loss programs.
CHEMYSTERY The study of food additives and vitamins.
PHYS. ID. Personality development.
KIN-EASY-OLOGY Making nepotism work for you.
MICRO-BUY-OLOGY Consumerism in children.
JOGFREE Instructions on exercising without restraint.
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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Cash's family nixes ad
New York (AP) - Advertising writers in Florida were planning to pitch hemorrhoid relief products with a commercial featuring Johnny Cash's classic song 'Ring of Fire', but his family says there's no way they'll let it happen.
"We would never allow the song to be demeaned like that," said Cash's daughter, singer Rosanne Cash.
'Ring of Fire' was written by Cash's wife, June Carter. Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash died last year.
Church to Introduce Atkins-Friendly Wafers
ROME: Seeking a bridge to a dwindling flock of parishioners, the Vatican announced today that it has developed a low-carbohydrate communion wafer for use in Sunday services.
"We are excited at the prospect of allowing the faithful to both worship properly and maintain their diet plans," said Monsignor Alberto Zucchero, the director of the low-carb wafer project.
Zucchero noted that the new wafers use "a variety of non-carbohydrate plant matter and a new baking process" to create the unleaven morsels. While they "start off crispier," too much time in the mouth creates a stickier problem.
"The materials do not take to being chewed for too long, " noted Zucchero. "It is best if they are broken up quickly with a couple of bites or the tongue and then swallowed."
Adding to the problem is that the sacramental wine, which often washes the wafer away, is not yet Atkins-friendly.
"It's harder to make wine with less carbs, as it would likely require a lower alcohol content. We try to keep that level high to kill germs and maintain some level of sanitary conditions with the chalice," said Zucchero.
Adding to the boon of attracting dieting parishioners, the low-carb wafer process is also patented, meaning that the Vatican may see increased revenue from other Christian churches.
"We figure the Episcopalians will want this," said Zucchero. "And they'll get it. For a price."
This news comes on the heels of several Atkins-related breakthroughs. The US Postal Service announced today that they will be using a new low-carb glue for all stamps, envelopes, and other adhesive surfaces that can be licked. Eberhard Faber is also rolling out a low-carb pencil for "habitual chewers" who worry that their habit may be worse than expected. It is also expected that the federal government will institute a new Atkins-planned diet for the federal school meal program as soon as they can get enough fatback and processed meat jerky.
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