In Pursuit of Ludeau
The derivation of the word Ludeau is interesting; Lud was the Nordic God of Injury, while eau remains the French word for water. Thus, Ludeau literally means 'water of injury', a graphic description of a fascinating substance.
What drives the jogger into the morning mist? Why does a rational and successful stockbroker expose his forty-two year old body to the rigors of rugby? How can people be talked into spending good money to 'pump iron' in the basement of a YMCA or upscale fitness salon? What feeds the fires of the squash players, spinning class adherents and cross-country skiers? And why on earth do people compete in 'xtreme' sports where cuts, abrasions, joint damage and broken bones are de rigeur? Until now, the answers have been rather facile and simplistic. People talked of fitness, weight-loss, social interaction and a mysterious 'exercise high', not recognizing that the real reason behind all the sweat and toil was the pursuit of injury.
Recent German research in the Department of Kinkology at the University of Dresden has revealed the existence of a complex polypeptide released from the pineal gland in response to actual tissue damage. The substance, named Ludeau, is said by the Russian Professor Rippov, to be a sort of self-produced Demerol. The discovery of Ludeau has finally shed light on all the injury seeking behaviors which have for so long baffled Western exercise scientists.
Case study of Ludeau seeking behavior.
Cajoled by Participaction and inspired by beer commercials, Jon Jacobs began a jogging program. Jon's initial runs were about two miles, and early evidence of Ludeau seeking was indicated by the fact that he did no warm-up and ran on the road in a pair of $13.95 triple flash, 10 stripe Korean shoes, which had soles slightly less flexible than plywood. He was rewarded with sore calves, shin splints and his first little Ludeau rush. Unfortunately, after a couple of weeks Jon's body accommodated to the Korean shoes and the mileage and, in desperation, he began to run farther and faster in search of tissue breakdown and the Ludeau rush. Like many others, marathon running finally solved Jon's injury needs. The training involved in marathon running almost guaranteed injury and Jon was rewarded with blisters, stress fractures, bursitis and finally Achilles tendonitis. Like all Ludeau junkies Jon gave his injuries little chance to heal and actually ran races while injured, in what is now termed Ludeaucrous behavior.
The science of Ludeau seeking.
Whatever the quest, there will always be extremists, and the author of this article has little concern for the Ludeau freaks who take short-cuts to the thrill of Ludeau release. As in any other endeavor, the real rewards go to those who work carefully and systematically towards their goals. Typical Ludeau freaks will indulge themselves in such behavior as dropping bar-bells on their feet, shutting their fingers in car doors and even jumping off buildings. This last behavior can lead to such a massive Ludeau release that an overdose resulting in death in not uncommon.
Ludeau on the run.
Leaving aside the lunatic fringe, let us consider Ludeau seeking within the context of running. By following some simple rules almost anyone can ensure themselves of a debilitating Ludeau producing injury while on the run.
1. You must ignore pain!! Pain is a warning that injury is imminent. If you heed the warning and slow down, there is little chance of actual tissue damage. If you can run through the pain barrier you should be rewarded with some sort of physiological breakdown and the opening of the floodgates of Ludeau.
2. Avoid the expensive running shoes sold by the major retailers. A favorite technique of Ludeau lovers is called the 'cross-over', which involves wearing the footwear designed for one sport in a different context. Examples of 'cross-over' include running a road race in bowling shoes or playing soccer in hiking boots or ballet slippers.
3. Ludeautics. These are scientifically made inserts that can be slipped into running shoes. Ludeautics have done for running shoes what spiked heels, pointed toes and Manolo Blahnik have done for women's dress shoes. With a good Ludeautic, the foot is compressed and twisted with every step, resulting in a wonderful array of injuries, which go way beyond stress fractures and bursitis right up into the sacroiliac region. Ludeautics can be purchased from any good podiatrist.
4. Overtraining is an effective injury-producing technique, though it is time-consuming. Perhaps more effective is no training combined with highly competitive racing.
5. Avoid all warm-ups except the 'Ballistic Six'. The B.S. includes straight-leg sit-ups, back arching, vigorous toe touching and other tendon wrenching specials.
Other Ludeau Producing Activities.
Rugby is an injury-producing medium, thinly disguised as a game. A team is comprised of fifteen players who tackle, run, maul, ruck, stiffarm, scrum, kick, rip and generally brutalize their opponents. Obviously, with thirty players on the field, a small army of officials would be necessary to prevent total athletic anarchy. However, the rugby authorities, in their wisdom, choose to have the game controlled by one referee who often has to 'see through' ten or twelve steaming bodies in order to whistle a foul. The aroma of Ludeau is ever present around the scrums.
A further Ludeaucrous aspect of Rugby is that instead of being cocooned by padding, helmets, armour-plate or other protective clothing, rugby players go forth to battle in cotton and polyester shirts and baggy shorts. They are probably the worst protected humans since the Christians fought the lions. In a recent statistic from the World Health Organization, it was estimated that over a million man years of work had been lost because of injuries sustained on the rugby field.
Is there anything more Ludeaucrous than rugby? The answer, of course, is a resounding 'yes'. Masters rugby, for those over thirty-five, exposes the frail and flaccid bodies of bankers, computer programmers and executives to all the opportunities for ligament ripping, soft tissue destruction and bone smashing enjoyed by those twenty years younger. In fact, masters' rugby players need only play for a few minutes to sustain a substantial Ludeau producing injury. As a senior civil servant recently said in Vancouver, "I'm no longer concerned about the score, I'm just in it for the Ludeau."
Further Ludeau Producing Opportunities.
1. Skiing shows an excellent return in injuries, although there is some expense involved. Experienced Ludites have found that by avoiding any pre-ski classes and by tackling runs which are clearly beyond their capabilities they can be in hospital or in the lodge within a matter of minutes with Ludeau coursing through their veins like '92 Chateauneuf du Pap.
2. Weight lifting is another fine Ludeau producing medium. By selecting heavy weights, arching the back and ignoring the biomechanics of lifting, the vertebral column can be subjected to more stress than it can bear. Discs will pop, spinous processes snap and the Ludeau will flow.
Ludeau for those at work and at home.
An ingenious Ludeau finding system was devised by the late Professor Silloc for those with not enough time for organized Ludeau producing sports. Professor Silloc simply rewrote the Workman's Compensation Board Safety Manuals in reverse, and in doing so formalized numerous destructive behaviors which can lead to severe trauma and injury in the comfort of your own home of office.
So there you have it. Once you understand the lure of Ludeau, you can no longer be surprised at the anguish of a runner, the fights in hockey, the grunts in a weight room, the gratuitous violence of football or rugby, it's just Homo-Ludens (man the player) in search of the elusive Ludeau.
Thirsty for Ludeau, the 'gentler sex' have been leaving the Ludeau light enjoyments of Lycra and piped in music and demanding their place in the half-pipe, the hockey rink and the rugby pitch. Dr. Phil theorized that Oprah's marathon running and weight lifting are clear evidence of a feeling of Ludeau deprivation.
